I have put off writing this to you because I had to figure out my feelings. There has been no precedent set to anticipating and loving someone so much, only to have them leave you hours later. I have experienced one loss close to me before you and that was my beloved grandmother. Hopefully, she is rocking you right now.
The day that we found out about you we were nervous. The day we first heard your heartbeat, we were overjoyed. The day we found out that God would be taking you home early, we were devastated. Of course I say early, because I was basing everything on our plans. But I know God brought you home when it was time. During the 4 month span in which all this took place, my emotions were uncharted and I detached from my feelings to cope. Soon after you started moving around in mommy’s belly and kicking. I no longer could detach, I was madly in love with my baby boy. I hugged you through mommy’s belly at night and played music for you when I got home from work. Although mommy and I don’t see eye-to-eye on music, she had to laugh when you would dance around to my musical selections. There has been nothing in my life that I ever wanted more than you. We had big plans for you. However, God had bigger plans for you and we are so thankful that they included us for over 5 hours.
When you arrived in this world and I heard your voice, I couldn’t do anything but cry. I have cried at my children’s births before, but I had different motivation with you. I was crying to deal with letting go of my plans. I wanted to teach you to fish, I wanted to throw you your first football, I wanted to pick you up and take you to bed when you fell asleep in front of the television. I cried as all these thoughts passed through my head. I was holding you and we both were crying. Then your arm rubbed against my face and wiped a tear of mine. I know that you were just adjusting to being in this world, so you rubbing my face was accidental (you were probably just trying out those new arms). But I take it as a gift from God. In that instant, things became clearer for your daddy. I was distraught over not being able to give you what I wanted as a father. However, you wiping my tear showed me what my Father was doing for me. He was comforting me, He was teaching me perfect love, He was spoiling me for a limited time with the best gift in the world. As you laid on my chest and went on to glory, you took a piece of us with you. Maybe I should say you borrowed a piece of us. I say this because your mom and I will get that piece from you when we see you again. That piece will make us whole. That piece is peace.
Please know that mommy and I are thinking about you everyday. Daddy is trying to comfort mommy and mommy is trying to get daddy to open up. We will be okay. This is not because we are strong, or because we will miss you less. This is because you have left us better people. This is because you rocked our world and we will never be the same. You have changed us. You have taught us. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Until we meet again,
Your Loving Father