This month has been different and I sense the seasons changing in this long journey we are on. I have spent a lot of time praying and I have been seeking God's peace diligently. It is funny because I have experienced God move through prayer all my life but it ALWAYS amazes me to see Him work. I pray...He answers...WOW. I had gotten to a point that the dwelling was no longer helping me, it was hurting me. I was stuck in a place, a very dark and fearful place. I longed for Alex so much I didn't see much hope or happiness in just knowing he was in Heaven. It didn't matter because he wasn't with me. I wanted him back...now.. and that was that! Again, not a good place to be. And for awhile, I forgot to pray. A HORRIBLE place to be. But I believe...no I know it is because of the interceeding prayers of others that led me back to my place of refuge, my sanctity....in the presence of God through prayer. Being truthful, out of pure exhaustion and hopelessness I prayed for God to help me....plain and simple. I needed HIS help, no one elses. And as usual He was faithful and just in giving me not only what I asked for but what I needed.
We often explain God and His word in complex ways. Theologians, scholars, and common church folk alike...we study, discuss, debate, and sometimes even distort what we know or what we think we know about God. I understand because there is A LOT to know, more than our carnal minds will ever be able to fully grasp. But in the midst of my heartache and distress God reminded me that there is a very simple, fundamental principle that if fully upheld brings us closer to knowing Him than any theologian book could ever reveal.....His unconditional love. See as I prayed all I could hear back, all I could feel back was love. I found myself unable to really focus my prayers on my needs. I continually felt the urge to Praise God, express my love and adoration for Him, and seek Him for someone else. I found myself everytime I would be upset or sad immediatley it would be followed by the urge to pray for someone or just praise God. He is teaching me how to love and the lesson started with the gift of Alexander. Now please don't confuse what I am saying and think I haven't loved my husband or my three other children...quite the opposite. I have loved them with every fiber of MY being. What God is trying to do is show me how to love like HIM, not me. His love is different and it defies all logic. God sharing Alexander with our family was a prime example of His love because His love does not change in death, it simply transforms. The love that God brought into this world with Alexander did not leave with him. It stayed with us. And the best way that I can honor and remember my son is to carry that gift of love with me and share it everywhere I go. So now everytime I pray for someone, think about someone, forgive someone, seek forgiveness from someone, etc. I do it knowing that the love driving all of this is Alexander's gift God has blessed our family with. I hope my thoughts penned in a way people can understand. If I lost you and you can take only one thing from this long post, please know that God's love is the perfect love and every baby born into this world brings a peice with them and it is our job to share it. If you are reading this....on behalf of Alexander I love you...I really do.