Which leads me to the CRYING part of this post. I cry a lot about Alex. I cry tears of joy, tears of pain and loss, tears of fear and panic. I cry when I talk about him, I cry when I am reminded of anything related to him. I cry when I see babies and I cry when anyone ask about Alex - those tears are usually tears of joy and comfort.
My older children don't share much with me for fear that I will cry. Children are simply born self absorbed. For awhile they feel like the sun rises and sets just for them and we are simply here to serve! (dont act like you never felt that way as a kid). So they tend not to talk to me about Alex for fear that I will cry. And because they think everything is about them, there interpretation is "I made my mom cry" as opposed to "my mom is expressing emotion". So we are working on that with them. All of this had me thinking about crying and how it relates to grief.Personally, i think it is vital. It is cleansing. I heard someone say, "you have never heard someone say that they felt worse after crying". So true. I was watching Oprah yesterday and she had Iyana Vansant on. Iyana was telling the story of her daughters death several years ago. She explained how she stayed in bed for 5 months but it wasnt until she got out and went to the grocery store that she fully grieved. She said she saw broccoli (her daughters favorite) and instantly wept and wept and wept on the grocery store floor! She said after awhile she got up, dusted the broccoli off and calmly walked out the store but her greiving and healing had begun. That story is so familiar...I hear a lot about that "breaking moment" in which one weeps over their loss. If I am completely honest, I have cried and cried but not sure if I have really weeped with grief. Even in the midst of my tears I have tried to exercise control. I have been afraid of "losing it". I make myself stop crying for fear of not being able to ever stop. I know that I will eventually have my "breaking moment" hopefully it won't be in a public place like a store - LOL.
Overall, things are going as good as they can