Each day brings a new element of healing or better yet a new understanding of who this "new me" is. I am often asked "how are you doing?" and I never fully know how to respond so of course I say "I'm fine". And of course that is not the complete truth.
I think a more honest answer would be "even on my weakest day, I feel a little bit stronger".To clarify, I don't hurt any less and God knows I don't miss Alexander any less. Instead I love and trust God more and through His sufficient grace I am strengthened.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
One year out and that has been my biggest lesson - I am not qualified nor equipped to get through this without Him.
Those who know me well know that I am a control freak. I have been independant from the womb and prided myself on not really needing anyone to help me. I have always needed to control things. I needed to know a thousand steps out. I needed to be a part of the decision making process.....yeah right.
Through Alexander, God has painfully blessed me with a new outlook. The lesson started with a reality check. I was carrying a wonderful gift and no matter what I did to protect, cherish, and appreciate this gift I was still going to have to say goodbye and there was nothing I could do about that. The lesson continued after Alexander died. The pain that grips me so tight is crippling and I can not pray, eat, sleep, or cry it away. I feel helpless but....“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” Psalm 46:1
The lesson continues daily....every day that I awake, awake my children, get them off to school, go to work, shuttle the kids from here and there, make dinner, be team mom, coach, direct, spend time with my wonderful husband, and kiss my kids at night...I am reminded how much God is carrying me. I couldn't do those things without Him. Why?Because by myself I am weak. I am a grieving mother that carries the weight of losing my son with me everywhere I go. I carry it at work, at home, at the ball park, at the football field, at the cheerleading gym, at the park, on the phone, etc. You may see me, you may see my smile, you may even hear me laugh. But no one will ever fully know the depth of pain under it all - it is constant. But instead you see what God is doing - carrying me - sustaining me - making provisions in the midst of the storm.
I can't say it enough - God is so Good and He is so faithful! And I will continue to PRAISE HIM for the wonderful work He continues to do through Alexander and for His sustaining grace that is carrying me each day.
My prayer for you today is that you will seek Him. No matter what you are going through. Be it finances, health, your spouse, your children, your friends, or in my case grief. Trust that He loves you and that His plan is perfect even when things look and feel bad. Know that in the midst of whatever suffering you are going through - He cares and He suffers with you and His making provisions for you. Trust that God will use your pain for His glory and that in His appointed time, He will say "Well done my good and faithful servant".
This is my prayer for you and for me :)
I love you