I have read and heard from other grieving mothers that once you have experienced a loss of a child you never go back to being "normal". Instead you adjust to your "new normal".
I have said previously that Alexander has changed my life and that is a understatment. I am becoming a different person but in the interim it seems like I am "everchanging". I pointed this out to Sean this morning...I mentioned how on my home page I noted in the welcome that the site would be everchanging since I was still carrying Alex at the time. Now that Alex has came and moved on...it is not the site that is ever changing but more so it is me. Everyday I am changing and reintroducing myself to myself...makes sense? My likes, my dislikes, what's important, and what's not. What makes me laugh, what makes me cry. What I would live for and what I would die for. All are ever changing right now. I feel for my poor husband - lol. I know he can't keep up with all of my ups and downs...instead he has lovingly committed himself to riding my waves and I love immensely him for it. The scariest part if it all is not knowing where or who I will end up being. I do trust that God is the architect of this change and that if I remain moldable He will do a good work within me. I have to beleive that.
In other news (lol).......... I MISS ALEX! I know nothing new but such a contant feeling. The ache in my heart remains although it feels less intense at times....could it be...am I healing? Not sure but I do know that the happiest times are times when I am able to share Alexanders life with someone - anyone. I love talking about him and simply being a proud parent. I still have sad moments and crying spells daily. I still have a long road ahead.
I also know that God is up to SOMETHING and Alexander's story is not finished. There are some things going on right now that I can't share yet but trust me....He is up to something!