Through this journey Alexander has given me a great gift.......he has given me my voice. Now don't get me wrong, I have always been a talker - lol. I've been told as a child I was very loud and I loved to entertain. As an adolescent into adulthood one would tell you I love a good arguement/debate. My parents knew I would be a lawyer (at times so did I) and I have never been afraid to express myself. And even though I have always spoken up...I did not speak with a purpose. Without a purpose you are just talking...with a purpose you find your true voice. I am just now finding my voice. I now speak/write with purpose....Alexander has given me that purpose, he has given me my voice. A gift that I will forever cherish and dedicate to him. Through loving him I have seen the face of God - through expressing that love I have allowed God to guide my hand, to guide my voice. My purpose is soley determined by God but Alexander has allowed me to allow God to move.
So back to what was supposed to be my original post - the funeral home.
Sean, my mother, and I finally went to see the funeral home on Wednesday. I had put it off for awhile now but i knew it was time. I have to say everything about that visit felt unnatural but it was as good of a visit as it could be if that makes sense. We were very pleased with how nice and clean it was. The staff was extremely kind and compassionate. We met with the owner and went over all of the details of the service. While I will not disclose every detail or decision made I will share a few...... Alexander will be in a bassinet as opposed to a caskit at the service, we are having balloons instead of flowers and we are having a balloon release after the service.The funeral home was very accomodating and is willing to do whatever we want. I'll be honest....it felt weird. Planning a funeral for someone that was moving and kicking the whole time just seemed weird. I know planning is essential and has no barring on my faith but I would be lying if I said there was no weird feeling. I do feel better having gone and done that. One thing off of my plate.
I completed my bag for the hospital so I am ready in that regard. Today is my last day at work and I will spend most of this weekend making sure my kids have everything they need to start school in two weeks. Alexander keeps us all entertained daily making his presence known! He is such a mover and a shaker - lol! Space or no space he will not be denied :-) He loves music and he is still a night owl. I ate eggs, bacon, and wheat toast this morning and it was the first breakfast in a long time he liked. We may stick with that for the next few days. As bittersweet as his birth may be I cant wait to see him and love on him. I am storing up so many kisses!!! It is amazing the love a mother has for her child....I am so in love with him and just cannot wait to hold him close. I want to smell him and stare at every inch of his perfect God given body. I want to stroke his hair and gently grasp every finger and every toe. I want to study his eves, kiss his nose, and take note of every wrinkle, dimple, and mark on his beautiful face. Yeah, I look forward to meeting Alex.