Since Alex, I haven't really entertained at our house and when I do go out I find it very uncomfortable being around people for any extended period of time. I don't know, it is something about watching people "live" that is unsettling. Hearing everyday conversations and people sharing thier lives is often scary. I find myself holding my breath praying they don't say something that will tug at me or bring about tears. And even when they don't I still find myself anxious to get away. Several co workers were in the breakroom talking about a new grandchild one of them welcomed over the weekend. There was so much excitement and joy in the conversation I thought I would suffocate. I had to leave. I couldn't handle it. I was happy for them but couldn't handle being in the midst of their happiness - am I making sense?
I have not been able to bring myself to hold a baby yet and I really prefer not being around them all together....especially baby boys. I think I am scared of just bawling and not wanting to let them go.
A friend came over last week. While talking she mentioned a documentary that she had saw about bottled water. She went on and on about how bottled water isn't as safe as we think........ and then she said it...." you know that's why pregnant women lose thier babies..thier babies can die...." I think I stopped breathing!!!! My heart was pounding and I could not beleive what I had just heard. My eyes began to wonder around the room looking at ALL of the stuff about Alex thinking "she could not possibly be this clueless". What I realized is that she wasnt being clueless, she was being human. As humans, we are an imperfect people bound to make mistakes. So how do I safeguard my heart in the meantime? I don't like not being able to handle babies or conversations about them. I don't like the stab in the stomach feeling. I don't like feeling the way I do but can't seem to feel any other way. I'm just not there yet.
I genuinely am happy for anyone who is expecting especially mommas who have experienced a loss. I know in my heart the pain that I feel is rooted in my missing Alex. Loving and longing for him.
i know this post was a little erractic and didnt really flow but just trying to pen my thoughts.