Things are coming along...Alexander is still active although his movements are more stretch-like as opposed to kicks and punches. I am concerned his space is beginning to be compromised. Sean said Alex was up one night playing with him while I slept...he can't believe I can sleep through it..neither can I. But I was happy for him, you could see in his eyes how much that meant to him to play with his son, it was a bonding moment that was irreplacable. I thank God for that time they were able to share.
My next appointment is on the 30th as well as our maternity photo session. I am very excited. My mom comes into town next week as well. As any daughter knows...just having your Mom around is comforting so I am looking forward to spending quality time with her. I miss her a lot. Sometimes just your mothers smell or a hug is all you need. I hope she knows how much it means to me for her to be here.
I've started calling funeral homes :-( A mother's worst nightmare.Most places have been very kind and accomodating. When I am a little stronger I will go tour the ones I have narrowed it down to. I am just not ready.
As for me, I am hanging on. I have really sad moments and a lot of crying spells. I am just so full of heartache and sometimes crying is the only thing that allows some of the pain to be released. As time nears closer I have moments of panic. I find myself pleading with God more and more - please, please let me keep him! My dreams are becoming more and more vivid. I dream about Alex a lot - I dream of kissing him, smelling him, and not wanting to let him go. Those dreams are hard to awake from....the reality just isn't as nice.
Physically, the reality of what we are dealing with is becoming more and more evident. I hurt ALOT. With no fluid every movement is magnified. Walking is becoming more and more painful but sitting isn't much better. When I sit the top of my stomache goes numb. I have also begun to lose weight I am back down to 158 ( I was 163 last week). I think it is because I can't eat alot due to space. I called the doctor yesterday and he said not to be concerned but he will look into it closer on the 30th.
We are in the home stretch now (3rd trimester) and I can't believe we have made it this far. It is true about the footprints in the sand because there is NO WAY there have been more than one set...God is carrying us all through this.