I was warned that over time, people who you thought would be there will disappear and people who you least expect will suddenly appear. I didn't quite believe or understand that but it has played out to be true. I'll be honest,I am hurting over this one. I am not only grieving my son, I feel at times I am grieving friendships/relationships as well. Ones that I have cherished and loved deeply. I even grieve my former self - who I used to be - I miss her sometimes but understand that I will never have her back. I can tell that my grief is uncomfortable for some people around me. I understand (thanks to therapy) that all everyone wants is for me to feel better and when I am not "myself" it makes them uncomfortable - I get that. It's just a hard reality to accept sometimes especially knowing that "self" isn't coming back. But once again, God is so good that He has made provisions for every step along the way. He knew this experience would change me AND my garden. Yes, some of my beautiful flowers once in my garden are unable to sustain themselves in my new garden. Not the right conditions, not the right time, not the right season. But through this journey new seeds have been planted and different flowers meant to bloom in THIS season and weather my conditions are emerging. I am referring to the mothers online that I have bonded with, the prayer partner I have had alongside this daily journey, the strangers who email or message out the blue with words of encouragement, and every person who has expressed being touched by my sons life. All of those fragrant vibrant flowers are blooming around and sometimes in the midst of what feels like a Tsunami, I take a deep breath and inhale the sweetest smell.....God's love in each and every flower in my garden.
I read an analogy from a grieving mother about flower gardens. She explained how gardeners who are diligent in picking weeds tend to have healthier gardens. And that her life was like a flower garden and after her child died her flowers (friends) seemed to disappear too. She learned that some flowers were no longer flowers in her garden, they were weeds. She had to pick the weeds (people not good for her) and new flowers formed. While I did her story no justice I completely understood what she was saying. My personal garden too is changing, I guess that's what happens with grief. I'm different so naturally my surroundings will be different as well.
I was warned that over time, people who you thought would be there will disappear and people who you least expect will suddenly appear. I didn't quite believe or understand that but it has played out to be true. I'll be honest,I am hurting over this one. I am not only grieving my son, I feel at times I am grieving friendships/relationships as well. Ones that I have cherished and loved deeply. I even grieve my former self - who I used to be - I miss her sometimes but understand that I will never have her back. I can tell that my grief is uncomfortable for some people around me. I understand (thanks to therapy) that all everyone wants is for me to feel better and when I am not "myself" it makes them uncomfortable - I get that. It's just a hard reality to accept sometimes especially knowing that "self" isn't coming back. But once again, God is so good that He has made provisions for every step along the way. He knew this experience would change me AND my garden. Yes, some of my beautiful flowers once in my garden are unable to sustain themselves in my new garden. Not the right conditions, not the right time, not the right season. But through this journey new seeds have been planted and different flowers meant to bloom in THIS season and weather my conditions are emerging. I am referring to the mothers online that I have bonded with, the prayer partner I have had alongside this daily journey, the strangers who email or message out the blue with words of encouragement, and every person who has expressed being touched by my sons life. All of those fragrant vibrant flowers are blooming around and sometimes in the midst of what feels like a Tsunami, I take a deep breath and inhale the sweetest smell.....God's love in each and every flower in my garden.
1 Comment
Jasiri Driver
10/26/2010 05:29:01 am
This experience has not changed you in a negative way but has enhanced who you were meant to become! You don't know me, I'm a former co-worker of Sean's but just from reading your words that are so eloquent, born out of emotion, I can tell from one spirit to another that there's no need to grieve your former self for the self that you are becoming is BEAUTIFUL! And just as you breathe in the "vibrant flowers" springing up from others, realize that you too are a VERY vibrant flower to all who encounter you! Thank you for sharing your beautiful story, allowing others to see God in a different way through your experience with Alexander :-)! - Jazz
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Angelle TrimbleI am a married mother to five amazing children. Four still walking with me on earth and one blessed soul we had to say goodbye to early. This is our journey about loving and letting go of our son Alexander who was diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome BRA at 20 weeks gestation. Archives
April 2012
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