Well that's all I have for now :) Ciao!
We had another Dr. appt yesterday and so far so good. I am currently 27 weeks today and I am measuring 27 inches which is right on target. So far litlle guy is not lacking in space so he is still able to grow :). Thank God for having two previous pregnancies that have stretched out his home for him - lol. His heartbeat is soooo strong! The Dr let us listen for a long time and it was just music to my ears, I think I will try to record it the next time. And it appears he has moved from being tranverse (sideways) but I think he is still breech (feet first). We have another follow up on June 10th and at that time I will have some standard stuff done like the glucose test and my rogham shot (rh negative). In the meantime we have a follow up with the perinatologist next week. I look forward to that because we get to see the baby so I hope to post more ultrasound pics afterwards. We also meet with the perinatal loss coordinator at the hospital next week. She (Mrs. Alexander - ironic I know) has been very helpful in walking us through the labor and delivery side of things and what to expect at the hospital. Her primary role is to serve as a liason between us and the hospital team. At the meeting next week we will divise what they call a Pallative Care Plan (basically a birth plan stating what we do and don't want) for Alexander's birth. We will meet with the nurses, staff, and neonatal dr to make sure we are all on one accord with how to care for Alexander. Our main goal is for Alexander to have a peaceful and painfree birth/life and for him to be surrounded by his family and consumed by the love we all have for him.
Well that's all I have for now :) Ciao!
At the risk of sounding crazy and a bit bi polar....my day hasn't continued that well and I need to vent. I don't know why but telling someone today about the baby just sent me into a crying spell. I thought I was over that! It is so hard sometimes to look at someone as you tell them. You see the look in thier eyes...they don't know what to say but thier eyes say a lot. They are the eyes of pity, sympathy, empathy, etc. I want so badly to tell them "i'm okay just please stop looking at me like that". I leave them feeling guilty for saying anything because you are supposed to leave people better than when you found them right? well I'm striking out on that one, I tend to leave people in a very emotional confused state lately.
And then their are the people that after they know they avoid me like the plague. I know it is only because they don't know what to say or how to "handle me" but I want so badly to scream "PLEASE BE NORMAL WITH ME, YOU MAKE IT WORSE BY ISOLATING ME" but I try to understand.
And finally THE question: "aren't you mad at God?"
THE answer: NO, I am not nor have I ever been mad at God. God is sovereign and He can do as He pleases. He is all knowing and Has a firmer grasp on my life than I ever could. I am reminded of the book of Job (especially chapters 38-40), in those chapters God makes it clear who is in control and who is not.And He clearly chastises those who complain or attempt to blame Him.
So that's where I am at this hour. I'm weepy, sad, frustrated, tired, and feeling very human/fleshy. None of this may make any sense but it is an honest account of how I am right now :-/
Well we are officially 26 weeks and 2 days..yeah! I posted some recent pictures...what a difference a day makes. I swear I have fluid and then dont and then have it...maybe its wishful thinking but only God knows :-). I just can't help but notice my belly expands and then shrinks and then expands again. I guess that will be a question for the doctor on Thursday.
We had a good weekend. I tried to rest often which was nice. Alex was pretty active ...the kids enjoyed feeling him kick around in there. They are all praying so hard for thier baby brother...Austin says he doesn't want his brother to "live short". I encourage them to continue to read and pray trusting that God hears them........"and a child shall lead them". Please keep them in your prayers.
I've been thinking a lot about giving back lately. I think that there is no better way to deal with your own trials than to help someone else with thiers. I have noticed God presenting opportunites lately that allow me to help someone else. It feels good to take my mind off of my own situation to help someone with thiers. My prayer is that I am always obedient when the opportunities arise.
A challenge to my readers: Pray for someone you don't like everyday!
I'll update after the doctors on Thursday :) and I would love to hear how the challenge is going......
Just touching base today. Today has been a good day :-). Alex is becoming more and more active so that is great! I look forward to our next OB appt next week and hope we are able to schedule another ultrasound soon. I love seeing him any chance we get. I am slowly getting to a point where I can start thinking and planning ahead a little. We met with the photographer through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and we will be having a maternity session with all of the kids at the end of June. We went through the details of him takng photos immediately after the birth as well. I am glad that we are going to be able to capture as much of his life as possible. I also find it becoming easier to talk about our situation. I think that has a lot to do with inner peace and being in touch with how I feel. I love hearing people express love for Alex. It is so wonderful that he has soooo many people loving on him already!
I am just really grateful for the joy I have today.
Below are the lyrics to a song that has been so soothing for me. I encourage you to listen to it if you can and really mediate on the words sung. We all can use Peace in the Waiting.
In the Waiting - Vicki Yohe
The gift nobody
Longs for still it comes
Somehow leaves me
Stronger when it's gone away
Pray I try and pray
For your will to be done
But I confess it's never
Fast enough for me
It seems the hardest part
Is waiting on you
When what I really want
Is just to see your hand move
I want a peace beyond my
Understanding I want to feel
It fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel your arms as they
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting
Time, time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else
But you can see
Free freedom from the fears that
Close me in when I can't beyond where
I have been but then Again the silence
Doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I'm still your own
Since our journey has begun we have received support from all over. One of the most helpful resources I have been blessed with has been the love and support from a local church: United Methodist of Canton. They paired me with a member through their Stephen's ministry and she has truly been an angel. Her name is Michelle and I meet with her once a week to just "be". We talk, we cry, and we pray. I have really been blessed by our developing friendship and if she is reading this...Thanks Michelle! At our last meeting Michelle presented me with this Prayer Quilt. Another ministry in her church makes prayer quilts. In each patch there is a thread (see close up pic). These quilts along with a brief description of our situation was available for thier church body to pray over. Every time someone prayed for us they tied a knot onto one of the threads. Each knot resembles a prayer said for us. It is beautiful and I love it. I've started tying knots for prayers I am saying as well.
I started not to post today because it's not a good day. But then I began to think about it....if I really want to be able to help other mothers going through this I need to be honest with how I am feeling. I don't want anyone to get the impression that I am great everyday because I am not. Today is a sad day. Today hurts. I have cried a lot today. I am so full of emotions that I just can't sort them out. But thank God for sad days (weird I know).
God has been so good. Have you ever had a delayed response to a blessing or answered prayer? I have been praying for peace and praying for the ability to be happy through this. This has been my daily prayer for weeks. It wasn't until yesterday I found myself smiling, laughing, even dancing around simply happy that I realized...Oh my goodness Lord you Rock!!! He had been answered my prayer I just hadn't noticed. I am very grateful. But the thing about God is, He doesn't just give us what we want/ask for, He gives us what we need. And I am learning through this that I need happy days but I also need sad days. I grow in faith and in love through both. It is during these sad days that God wipes all of my tears. It is during these sad days that I am reminded that this is bigger than me. It is during these sad days that I am able to be vulnerable before God. And in doing so I come out of these days stronger. So thank God for sad days.
"At least I can take comfort in this:
Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One."
When I got home today this was waiting for me! When we initially received Alexander's diagnosis I went online looking for support. I came across a website called My Very Own Angel. It is ran by a couple who have themselves experienced a loss of a child. I spoke with the owner who was so nice and encouraging. She put me in contact with other mothers who have experienced the same prenatal diagnosis and sent this "comfort pack". The bear is personalized with an A necklace. Of course the tears fell but I thought it was worth posting and mentioning such a great organization.
This will officially serve as my first post!
I am currently 24 weeks and 2 days along in the pregnancy and Alexander is as active as ever! I've noticed he is a night owl, he starts moving around 8pm and keeps it up through out the night. During the day he's pretty still... I wish I could adjust my sleep so that I wont miss anything :). He gave me the greatest Mother's Day gift...he played with me!! I'm serious, we played a game of push back. I'd push on his bottom and he'd kick back in response. This went on for a long time and I am so glad we have a way to "play" together.
My next OB appt. is on May 27th. We recently switched OB doctors since the one we had was not a good fit for continuing the pregnancy. It baffles me that I live in the conservative pro-life state of Georgia yet had a trying time finding a doctor that was supportive and sensitive to our decision to carry to term. It amazes me how some view us carrying our son to term as a waste of resources. I dont know how you could ever view trying to save/preserve a life as a waste.
Today has been a good day. Starting this website and blog is very therapeutic for me.
I am a married mother to five amazing children. Four still walking with me on earth and one blessed soul we had to say goodbye to early. This is our journey about loving and letting go of our son Alexander who was diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome BRA at 20 weeks gestation.