I have a confession. I wear a mask everyday. When I wake up I carefully put it on and I don't take it off until I go to bed, in fact I think there are nights I sleep in it. It is a mask that tells everyone that I am okay. It is a mask that allows me to smile, laugh, and even appear "normal". It is a mask that allows me to ask you "how are you doing?" or "how can I help you?" I have become quite fond of my mask to tell the truth. I think people also like my mask, it makes them more comfortable. It's easy on the eyes and more importantly it never changes. BUT when all is said and done........ it's just a mask. I didn't even know I wore one until recently. Why? To hide. To hide the pain and emotions that consume me.
So what's behind the mask? Someone trying to keep it all together inside. Behind the mask I hide my fears and my tears. I am ashamed of them at times. Behind the mask is the fear that I am not as strong as people think I am. The fear that I will fail God. The fear that someway somehow I have failed my son. The fear that I will believe the lies of the enemy. Behind the mask are uncomfortable truths. The truth that as it stands my son is going to die. The truth that I am not in control and I cannot do anything to stop or change what is to come. The truth that I am coming to know a pain so deep and so real that it literally takes my breath away. Behind the mask is a conflcted soul struggling to understand who she is and what her purpose is through all of this. Behind the mask it's just.........me.
Why share this? Well I know I have to take the mask off. I know that I have to show the world ME. It's not pretty and it is really raw but it's ME. Unmasked I am still very grateful for this time with Alex. I am faithful and I know that God is real and in control. But unmasked, I am also scared and sad. I am hot one minute and cold the next. I have days were I am just plain irritable and mean. I have days that ALL I can do is cry. I have days that I am clingy and needy and crave attention from my loved ones. There are days that I want to be left ALONE. I have days of jubilation and peace. I have days full of silliness and dancing. I even have days when I kind of put my "spiritual hat" to the side and embrace being human. Behind the mask is the raw, unedited truth of being a mother carrying a beloved child that has a fatal diagnosis.
So, I am ready. I'm ready to unmask. I'm ready for you to take a sneek peek into my world as I know it now. It will not always be pleasant. I will not always come from a good place. My feelings will not always be right. But I take comfort in knowing that I serve a good God and an understanding God. He has equipped me with all of these emotions and I am certain He will help me sort through them.... in due time.
I love you all!