A couple Sean and I know work for family life ministries. Sean coaches thier son. Ever since finding out about Alexander they have taken a very big interest in us and our story and have offered up a lot of support. When talking to them they expressed concern about our marriage noting that marriages that endure a loss of a child have a greater chance of failing (which is true). The husband said something next that has stuck with me. He said, in order to fight that you have to be "intentional". You have to know what you are up against and make intentional steps to protect yourself. For our marriage he gave examples of praying and reading together daily. It was great advice, probably more than he realizes. FThe next few days in random conversations with Sean I would use that word...intentional. He'd laugh and say "man, you really like that word!". I do. It spoke to me in a different way......
I think about where I am at right now in my grieving process. I have embraced the hurt and pain. I have felt the sadness and emptiness. But in the long run I desire to be whole again...healed. I know the paths grief can take and I have always expressed a desire for Alexander's story and our grief to bless others, Honor God, and make a difference somehow. If that is what I want than I have to be intentional about getting there. It is not an automatic path. there are several courses one can take and they all do not end up in good places. But I know the path I want to take. It is not easy and the devil does not want me to reach that point. I know that and have to prepare for that. I have to be intentional.
So how does one do that? I am reminded of the scripture that talks about putting on the whole armor of God. I think that scripture deals with being intentional/prepared. Doing things to protect yourself because you know what you are up against. In my case...I know that everyday I am plagued with sadness and heartache that the devil tries to use to rob me of my joy and purpose. An intentional way to fight that is to start my day with praise and gratitude. So that even when I am sad and I hurt I have also created a barrier of praise that protects my heart and reminds me of the goodness of God. It is a daily struggle but I am determined. Everything about my healing has to be intentional if I want to end up in a good place. And this applies to everything in life....we have to be intentional. Our children don't just wake up one day and are well behaved, love God, embraces purity, etc. No, as parents we have to take intentional actions or make intentional decisions that directly feed those characters into our children.
So this is where I am now. I wake up every morning with great expectations. I intend to heal and be a blessing to others - that is my goal. I am in a very blessed place right now. I miss my Alexander more and more each day but I delight in thinking about him. He continues to bless me. I love him and I love being his mom. I am so proud of my Alexander and I cannot wait to see him again.