So that is how the morning began and of course it morphed into a full downward spiral. I just am so consumed with pain today!!!!! I am frustrated, I NEED to know what to do with it and where to place it. I feel like I am walking on thin ice, that at any moment I am going to walk into a memory, a thought, a feeling, a person, a place, or a thing that is going to yank me down into a dark, deep hole. So I am tip toeing carrying this heartache trying not to fall through. I feel like a spectator at time. I am not okay this day. I am so sad today. I miss Alex and I have been wanting him back strongly today. I am empty, there is a gaping hole in my being that is so uncomfortable and a constant reminder that something is not right. I am tired, the thought that this will ever feel better elludes me right now. I am scared, going back to work freaks me out but again....it is a part of life. So in all of this it boils down to me not wanting to deal with life or in some way feeling it's not fair that I have to, as if I am taking from my greiving by doing so? Who knows...today is a day I haven't focused on the whys of how I feel - I just do.
In the midst of my whirlwind storm I managed to get through Austin's birthday party as well. Thank God his godmother (and my best friend) planned his party this year (I knew I would not be up for that). It was a such a blessing. And even though it went well and was nice, deep down I resented having to deal with life. I know it sounds horrible but hears the thing....it is how I feel.
So today I am sad, empty, tired, and scared.
I know eventually I will have to deal with this but not today. I am still reading and I am still praying but I am still feeling and these feelings are still very fresh and very raw. The pain runs so deep and my wounds are still open.
Sorry this may not have been very uplifting but it is saturated with truth.