Sometimes, well most times it is a lot easier for Mommy to talk to you than anyone else. I never know what to say to other people. I don't even know what they are looking to hear but I always know what to say to you! Like how much Mommy misses you and how much Mommy loves you to pieces :) and how much Mommy wants you back. It is hard to think about year after year going by and me not being able to see you, hold you, kiss you, or even smell you. It is heartbreaking to smell your things at home and realize they are losing your scent - I don't want to ever forget how your clothes smelled, how your skin felt, how your breath smelled, how your hands felt holding mine, and most importantly how those beautiful dark brown eyes looked when you first looked at me. I don't want to forget anything about you. I know time is probably irrelevant where you are but down here on earth each day we are apart feels like an eternity.
Sweet Angel, how are you? I know our bond hasn't been broken because I still feel very much connected to you, at times I feel like you are right there (are you?). If you are around and you have watched over me/us - I pray you aren't disappointed with me. I know I cry a lot and I haven't been the best mom or wife to your brothers and sister and Daddy. I'm so sorry if I have failed you. I'm trying Alex I really am. Mommy just hurts and aches for you so much, sometimes it is just hard to go on without you. And I know, I can hear you say, "Mom, I'm okay, I'm alright" and I know you are but this human flesh I'm dwelling in is having a hard time accepting that you are okay and I play no part in that. I'm not the one caring for you, I'm not the one protecting you.........I wanted to be the one, I wanted to be your everything.
I never knew I would long for you the way I do. I have a secret...I have even begged, pleaded, and even bargained with God if He would just bring you back to me. I know it is an irrational request, one that cannot be obtained but sometimes I just feel desparate.
Mommy is trying stay busy - well your siblings make sure of that - LOL.
Anthony did really good this year in wrestling - he earned his first High School letter! I know that you are proud of him. He always talks about you at Kates Club. Not only does he tell them he loss you but everytime he tries to educate all of the kids about Potters Syndrome. I am sure most dont understand but I think it is sweet he tries.
Alexis has been a busy bee cheerleading. She just tried out for the High School squad and made it! I think you were cheering her on werent you? I chuckle sometimes thinking about how it would have been if you were dragged to all of these cheer events - you would probably know all the cheers soon like Austin - lol. Lexi misses you, she has began to stand up at school whenever she hears people making dead baby jokes or saying anything hurtful - she fights for you and because of you. She made you a beautiful clay playground - did you see it on your table? I thought is was really beautiful - she even made a replica of the tree we planted for you!
Austin has been busy with Football, wrestling, and he recently started Baseball. Sometimes when I am at the ball park and I see little baby boys I cant help but cry because I really wish I could take you out to the ball games. I wish you could play in the dirt and run behind the "big boys". Austin wants to be your biggest playmate. He talks about you a lot and he misses you so much. Did you get the letter he wrote you? It was so sweet. When he comes to me crying about you I always encourage him to write to you and/or pray so you may already know what's going on, more than I do :-).
Daddy has been busy working. He is trying to hard to be brave. He is focused on making our lives better but I know that he would give it all up if he could have you back - just like me. You would be so proud of your Daddy! He works hard, loves harder, and he is always tyring to make all of us "feel better". He is a little goofy/nerdy too - lol (shh dont tell him I said that). He loves the picture of you and him in the hallway - the two of you look so much alike in that picture. You are the son that looks like him the most - bittersweet.
And then there is me - your Mommy.Mommy is trying so hard Alex to be brave. I want to go out and do a good work for you. Right now my days are up and down. I try to be a good parent to your siblings but I often fall short due to just plain ole sadness. Some days are good, somedays not so much. You know because I am crying out to you and God.
We all miss you! You came for such a breif time but you have left an impact that will span across our lifetime.I want you to know that you will never be forgotten and you will always be a part of our family and you will always be my little boy.
Right now, Mommy is trying to find a way to continue God's plan. Right now my biggest road block is the intense pain of losing you. I am just sad you are not here. I have trouble being around people - I feel like a specator. It is hard for me invest in relationships that are not directly tied to you. All I ever really want to do is talk about you, think about you, and write to you. For now, this is where our journey is. You are a part of our family journey and you will always be included :)
I love you Alex Baby!
If you can, if you have met any other little boys or girls that had to leave their Mommies early - please give them a HUGE bear hug and let them know their Mommies love them and miss them too. If you see Eli, Gabriel, Aubrey, Tyler, Hope, or Molly please give them an extra hug - tell them I knew their Mommies personally and they love and miss them so, so so much!
You guys enjoy the heavenly place you are at - enjoy eachother - enjoy our wonderful awesome God. Have fun, play hard, and please, please never forget me.
I'll see you soon Alex!