I've meant to write about lots of feelings, how I have felt "paralyzed by grief", how child loss brings a natural element of "complicated grief", and of course how much I miss my Alex baby. None of these topics have yet to get penned (and if you are a mother struggling and want to discuss those topics, email me) each time I try, I freeze up. Will people understand? The fear of being misunderstood in a way has held me back lately. That is as honest as I can get for now.
On to more important things.................ALEXANDER'S BIRTHDAY!
Okay I must tell you how awesome God is. Around September of 2010 I ordered a bear for Alex on a site called Molly Bears. A mother who loss her daughter began making bears for mothers in the exact weight of their baby. In my case 5lbs 2oz. There is a waiting list and when I requested I was 367 on the list. As of this June there were on 304. I prayed that I would get the bear before Alexander's birthday but as the date approached it looked more and more unlikely. And on the day before his birthday the bear arrived! And it is so precious. It was amazing holding something the exact weight of Alexander..I know the bear is not him and will never serve as a replacement. It is just comforting to hold the weight of Alex, I cant quite explain it. So that was a little ray of sunshine for Alexander's day.The day was bittersweet. As a family we spent the day together. We drove around while reading the cards we received around his birth. We ate what I craved the most while pregnant, and we carried his bear everywhere we went. There definitely was a solemn tone to the day as well. We just couldn't get overly excited but we knew Alexander's birthday was suppose to be a good day if that makes sense.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I am struggling right now. Even now as I write, I struggle. The words don't flow as freely as they use to. I feel more guarded and restrained. The pain of missing Alex is burying itself inside of my being shouting I am here to stay! Meanwhile the joy and hope birthed from carrying and meeting him struggles to find it's home as well. I find myself in a daily struggle to stay positive. I am so happy to have known Alex and I am eternally grateful for the good work God is doing through Alexander's life. Every time I am able to share Alex with anyone I leave beaming with joy. It is an honor to share such a precious blessing. But that joy shares company with a nagging deep gut wrenching heartache. I miss my son.
I hope to write again soon. Please keep me in your prayers.