Lately, I have been thinking about my life and what parts were God preparing me for this assignment. I didn't have to think long. Just like certain songs, I have certain memories like most that are just etched permentantly in my mind. Things you never forget. Well some things I will never forget in my life are things I believe God placed in my path as preparation.
First, when I was about 13 my church youth choir sang at a funeral for a mother and her newborn twins, The mother had delivered them in the bathroom of her home and unfortunately the three of them did not make it. I remember standing in the choir stand singing trying to understand why these precious babies died and at the same time I learned an early lesson that anyone can die at any age.
Second, around that same age we had to sing for another funeral. This time the little girl was about 9. I distinctly remember the preacher getting up telling a story of a conversation he recently had with that child and how in hindsight he now knows she knew she was going to die soon. I always remembered that story and at that time I made the opinion that when it is your time to die, you will know.,
Third, flash forward about a decade when I was 20. I had a 15yr old cousin drop dead after football practice. His mom came to pick him up, he came to the car and told her he would be right back...he never came back. They found him on the floor outside of his locker - reasons still unknown. What struck me was his funeral. I remember sitting there listening to his mother wail and cry out the entire service. She was crying out conversations from the past that she had with him.....it broke my heart. It was the first time I really saw a mother greive. The pain in her face was unrelatable. I couldn't fathom at the time. I had just became a first time mom and couldn't imagine being in her shoes. That image, the sound, her voice has never left me. I learned that day the bond of a mother and child and painfully watched a mother bury her son.
Finally, another decade goes by and instead art imitating life, life imitated art. I was casted in the play A Christmas Carol in 2008 as Mrs. Cratchit. For those unfamiliar - Mrs. Cratchit is the mother of Tiny Tim. In the play, Tiny Tim dies and there is a scene when Mrs. Cratchit breaks down at Tiny Tim's gravesite. I remember not really having a point of reference to draw from having never loss a child myself. I remember it being a very emotional scene for me, one I would have to literally recover from.
All of these memories individually are just that memories. But collectively, they tell a story of preparation. During all of these times, God already knew His plan for me, His plan for Alexander. I was already chosen to carry Alex although I was unaware. Still in the midst of my ignorance God allowed me to experience things that would help me understand and cope with something that at that time I could not have handled.
We never know how our past effects our present. Everything we go through, the people we meet, the places we go, and the things we do all play a part of a bigger story. And it is even bigger than this experience. I believe that my past prepared me for this present time and I know that carrying Alexander, loving Alexander, and losing Alexander are too a preparation for something else that I cannot handle now. Be Blessed!