The tree planting event with Kate's Club went really well. Alexis spoke so well introducing Kate Atwood and we were able to plant a beautiful tree in honor of Alex.
I have wrestled with trying to explain the past month. I have had so many days were the burden of grief didn't way as much and I am so grateful for those days. I have been able to think about Alexander and smile - remembering his beautiful life and the special time we spent together those 8 months prior. I also have days when the grief creeps back in unexpectedly and turns my world upside down. The triggers come and go and even change. Overall still moving forward. I miss Alex alot. I talk to him a lot and pray God allows him to hear me. It's the day to day things that bring about the most hurt. He should be here with me doing these things. I should be changing his diapers not dusting his memorial things. I should be wiping his snotty nose not wiping the fountain of tears that flow from my eyes daily. I should be awoken from the cries of a hungry baby boy ready to nurse but instead I am awoken every night not from cries, but from the pangs of heartache. It doesn't seem fair sometimes and I struggle with accepting God's plan some days. I know I am not special, I know that the pain and suffering I am experiencing is nothing new/special/or different. Women before me and unfortunatley women after me have and will experience this unnatural heartache. I know that while I have loss a child, there are women who have loss children - I cannot even fathom losing more than one child. I say those things in an effort to work through this myself. In my heart I know that God is good and He is in control and has never foresaken me. There are just times when grief takes such a tight firm hold of me, I can't seem to break free.
I have found myself reading more. I am reading a book now that I am really enjoying and has offered some comfort when I needed it the most. It is called The one year journey to Hope. It was written by a mother who loss two children to Zellwegers Disease. If you are grieving about anyone or anything, this book is a must read.