What also striked me today was my crying spells. I mean, I really truly had a good day but ever so often I would feel like a stranger in my own body and I would just go in the bathroom, car, or wherever someone else wasn't to cry. All I could think was "I just don't feel right, I don't know me, I feel so different, I feel like a stranger in my own family, what's wrong with me, why am I crying..etc...etc.". I am still struggling in this area and it gets harder because I feel like my emotions are so blended together. It is easier when you know why you feel the way you do.....I'm sad because I miss Alex. Or I hurt because I loss my son. I'm mad because his life was cut short. Whatever the emotion/reason is. But what I struggle with is the emotions that come blended together with no clear reason. I didnt understand why I was crying or why I felt so out of place in the midst of all that is familiar (my family). I didn't understand what the root was. And I currently don't understand why I am crying as I write now.
Lord, you know me better than I know myself and I so need you NOW. PLEASE restore me....build me up oh God for I am broken and weak. Amen
Well, I needed to get that out. Tomorrow is a new day and I am hopeful. We are going to the smithsonian and I am taking the kids to see the University Sean and I met at (Howard). I believe that tomorrow will be another great day. My prayer is that I will be able to stay "present" and really enjoy the three blessings that God has allowed me to keep thus far.